WIFE SWAPPING

Is it possible to combine desire for variety in sexual relations with the maintenance of a stable, happy marriage?

by Edward Dengrove, M.D.

FROM time to time one reads in the newspapers reports of cases such as that of the Percy Radfords and the George Hauses, of St. Louis, Missouri. These two couples, after a friendship of four months, decided they’d be happier married to each other’s partners. At the time the swap was made, one couple had been wed for some seventeen years, and the other for almost five.

Accomplished as it was, through divorce and remarriage, this trade of spouses had legal sanction, as well as the attention of the press. But there is a lot more such swapping than the newspapers ever discover, because most of it exists on a sporadic basis and does not end in divorce and the remarriage of the alternate couples.

Just recently, for example, I learned of two young men, instructors at a large university, who lived quite circumspectly, each with his own wife, during the academic year. The two couples spent summers together in a cottage they rented jointly, where they split up, each man spending the vacation with the wife of the other.

When this unconventional arrangement was brought to the attention of the university officials they responded with about the degree of enthusiasm you’d expect, and both men were hastily fired.

Had the two young couples been members of the Banyankole tribe of Central Africa their exchange of mates would have inspired neither comment nor disapproval. Among this people, as among the natives of the Hawaiian Islands, it was the custom, when a man and his wife visited a friend, for the couples to exchange wives for the duration of the visit.

William J. Fielding, in Strange Customs of Courtship and Marriage, tells us also that, when the Himalayan mountaineers became disgusted with their mates, they would exchange wives, in the hope that this would improve their domestic lives.

But what of our American society, with its ideal of monogamy and fidelity in marriage? How common is the exchanging and loaning of wives among us? And why?

For one thing, it is more common than most people seem to think. Nor is it limited to men who seek a change of bedfellows. There are women, too, who desire such “swaps” and who take the initiative in arranging them.

The temporary exchange of mates is sometimes merely a device to provide variety in the sexual life. We have been somewhat acceptant of the idea that desire for change is a natural desire among men—perhaps no one was too surprised when Dr. Kinsey revealed that three-quarters of the men interviewed for The Sexual Behavior Of The Human Male said they sometimes wished to have relations with women other than their wives. And the Kinsey report disclosed that at least one-half of all married men realize that wish.

As the Kinsey report on women showed, that wish is not solely a male one. One of every four women interviewed had at least one extramarital affair by the time she reached her fortieth birthday. And all the evidence would indicate that there are many more who sometimes hanker for a husband other than their own.

Often, the desire for another person’s mate, and the willingness to trade one’s own, arises from far more complicated motives than the simple longing to add some “spice” to a marital routine grown dull.

There are many men and women who are unsure of their own worth as human beings, and who need constant reassurance and approval from others. Such people frequently lend themselves to this kind of arrangement.

Just the other day, a woman was complaining to me that at gatherings of the social group to which she belonged, men would invariably make sexual “passes” at every attractive woman.

“What I can’t understand is the attitude of their wives,” she said.

“They are actually angry if any woman rejects their husbands’ advances !”

These are the wives who doubt their own attractiveness as women, and their husbands’ worth as men. If other women find her mate attractive, such a wife feels reassured that she has made a wise marriage choice, and she also feels that she must be pretty “special,” too, to have first claim on so desirable a man. On the other hand, if no other woman wants her husband then her ego is deflated— she sees herself as a rather worthless creature, capable of marrying only the kind of man other women spurn.

Sometimes, the reasons for this type of attitude on the part of the marriage partner reach hack into childhood experiences. Mary A., an attractive young wife, complained that her husband never objected when other men made advances to her, and even encouraged her to invite them.

Her husband, Bill, was the younger of two sons. His brother had been the family pet, and Bill had always been extremely jealous of the favoritism shown the older boy. Although he could not help admiring his brother, he had early vowed, “Some day, I’ll show him up!”

Although Bill did not realize it, that little-boy rivalry played a part in his choice of Mary as a wife. She was an exceptionally pretty girl, and when other men gave signs of their interest in her, Bill felt that in one respect he had managed to outshine his brother. He had a far more desirable wife, and for the first time could make other men — and, he fondly imagined, his brother—envy him!

Not too long ago, I was consulted by a couple trying desperately to save their floundering marriage. The husband was particularly disturbed by his wife’s erratic sexual behavior.

“She lives at extremes,” he said. “Either she wants sex all the time, or else she refuses to have relations with me entirely.”

In consultation with his wife, I learned that she felt herself physically attracted to one of her husband’s friends. She had even suggested to her husband that he and his friend arrange a temporary “trade”—giving her to the other man and the friend’s wife to her husband. Flabbergasted, he refused to discuss the idea. But she did date other men without his knowledge, and they were always married men.

“It makes me feel young again,” she said. It also increased her desire for her husband. After such an affair she regained her interest in the marital union. Without these temporary liaisons, she was quite frigid.

Her father had died when she was young, and her mother had remarried. She had always felt a great attraction towards her stepfather, and when she was nine years old he had seduced her, an experience she found exciting. Her promiscuity was an attempt to recreate her image of herself as the young, desirable girl—and the men were always married, as her stepfather had been.

There may be some hidden homosexual desires latent in such situations, too. I am thinking, for example, of the man who insisted that his wife have sexual relations with his “best friend.”

Among the Polynesians this would have been accepted social behavior, but he was not a product of Polynesian culture. Actually, this husband had latent homosexual desires, and though he was not fully aware of it, he was having vicarious sexual relations with his friend every time he sent his wife to sleep with him.

And latent homosexual desires may also account for the willingness with which some women permit their husbands to indulge in similar affairs. Sometimes, a wife will agree to a swap of mates more to gain the vicarious thrill which comes with knowing her husband is having relations with a woman she is attracted to, than for any desire she feels for the other man.

The editor of Sexology recently received a letter from a reader who explained that his wife insisted that he have relations with a young woman who boarded at their home. This despite the fact that they had been married for eight years, and seemed to be well adjusted sexually.

“I noticed one thing,” he wrote. “Ever since my wife started to loan me to this woman, she became more aggressive in our sex relations and more demanding.”

And, he added, “we personally know of two young couples. These young couples swap wives once a week, from which they claim they derive sex stimulation and greater sexual satisfaction in marital relations later with their wives.”

“Where,” this reader wanted to know, “will such a practice of Swapping lead?”

In his own case, such a practice can lead only to a more and more distorted sexual relationship, which might very well result in his wife’s becoming completely frigid.

The sooner he finds competent help for her and persuades his wife to accept it, the better. Unless she can be made to understand the reasons for her behavior and can be helped to overcome it, her sexual life and her marriage will only grow increasingly disturbed.

Dr. Kinsey noted that among the “not inconsiderable group of cases” studied in which the husbands had encouraged their wives to engage in extra-marital activities, there were a number of deviations involved. These included homosexuality, desire to “peep,” and sadistic satisfaction obtained from forcing a wife into such a relationship.

But he emphasized that most often wife swapping represented a deliberate effort to extend the wife’s opportunity to find satisfaction in sexual relations or a desire of the husband to find an excuse for his own extra-marital activity.

Dr. Kinsey also pointed out that his investigators had seen instances where husbands and wives appeared to accept their partners’ extra-marital activity frankly and whole-heartedly at the beginning. Years later, however, the old extra-marital relationship cropped up to become a source of considerable conflict. This often resulted from the development of some insecurity on the part of the other spouse. or changed circumstances in the couple’s life.

The Kinsey investigators drew this conclusion from their data?: that reconciling the individual’s desire for coitus with a variety of sexual partners and the maintenance of a stable marriage, presents a problem which has not beer) satisfactorily resolved in our culture.

“Can marital stability be maintained in the face of extra-marital relations on the part of the husband or wife?” asks Dr. Abraham Stone, one of America’s most noted marriage consultants.

WIFE SWAPPING

“It has been our experience in marriage counseling,” he Replies, “that extra-marital relations are disruptive of marital harmony. A relation which may begin as a contact on a purely physical level, may soon develop into a strong emo-tional attachment. Not many marriages can long withstand the strain of divided loyalties and attention. Of all the angles in a marriage, the triangle creates the most acute problems.”

Is it possible to combine desire for variety in sexual relations with the maintenance of a stable, happy marriage?

by Edward Dengrove, M.D.

FROM time to time one reads in the newspapers reports of cases such as that of the Percy Radfords and the George Hauses, of St. Louis, Missouri. These two couples, after a friendship of four months, decided they’d be happier married to each other’s partners. At the time the swap was made, one couple had been wed for some seventeen years, and the other for almost five.

Accomplished as it was, through divorce and remarriage, this trade of spouses had legal sanction, as well as the attention of the press. But there is a lot more such swapping than the newspapers ever discover, because most of it exists on a sporadic basis and does not end in divorce and the remarriage of the alternate couples.

Just recently, for example, I learned of two young men, instructors at a large university, who lived quite circumspectly, each with his own wife, during the academic year. The two couples spent summers together in a cottage they rented jointly, where they split up, each man spending the vacation with the wife of the other.

When this unconventional arrangement was brought to the attention of the university officials they responded with about the degree of enthusiasm you’d expect, and both men were hastily fired.

Had the two young couples been members of the Banyankole tribe of Central Africa their exchange of mates would have inspired neither comment nor disapproval. Among this people, as among the natives of the Hawaiian Islands, it was the custom, when a man and his wife visited a friend, for the couples to exchange wives for the duration of the visit.

William J. Fielding, in Strange Customs of Courtship and Marriage, tells us also that, when the Himalayan mountaineers became disgusted with their mates, they would exchange wives, in the hope that this would improve their domestic lives.

But what of our American society, with its ideal of monogamy and fidelity in marriage? How common is the exchanging and loaning of wives among us? And why?

For one thing, it is more common than most people seem to think. Nor is it limited to men who seek a change of bedfellows. There are women, too, who desire such “swaps” and who take the initiative in arranging them.

The temporary exchange of mates is sometimes merely a device to provide variety in the sexual life. We have been somewhat acceptant of the idea that desire for change is a natural desire among men—perhaps no one was too surprised when Dr. Kinsey revealed that three-quarters of the men interviewed for The Sexual Behavior Of The Human Male said they sometimes wished to have relations with women other than their wives. And the Kinsey report disclosed that at least one-half of all married men realize that wish.

As the Kinsey report on women showed, that wish is not solely a male one. One of every four women interviewed had at least one extramarital affair by the time she reached her fortieth birthday. And all the evidence would indicate that there are many more who sometimes hanker for a husband other than their own.

Often, the desire for another person’s mate, and the willingness to trade one’s own, arises from far more complicated motives than the simple longing to add some “spice” to a marital routine grown dull.

There are many men and women who are unsure of their own worth as human beings, and who need constant reassurance and approval from others. Such people frequently lend themselves to this kind of arrangement.

Just the other day, a woman was complaining to me that at gatherings of the social group to which she belonged, men would invariably make sexual “passes” at every attractive woman.

“What I can’t understand is the attitude of their wives,” she said.

“They are actually angry if any woman rejects their husbands’ advances !”

These are the wives who doubt their own attractiveness as women, and their husbands’ worth as men. If other women find her mate attractive, such a wife feels reassured that she has made a wise marriage choice, and she also feels that she must be pretty “special,” too, to have first claim on so desirable a man. On the other hand, if no other woman wants her husband then her ego is deflated— she sees herself as a rather worthless creature, capable of marrying only the kind of man other women spurn.

Sometimes, the reasons for this type of attitude on the part of the marriage partner reach hack into childhood experiences. Mary A., an attractive young wife, complained that her husband never objected when other men made advances to her, and even encouraged her to invite them.

Her husband, Bill, was the younger of two sons. His brother had been the family pet, and Bill had always been extremely jealous of the favoritism shown the older boy. Although he could not help admiring his brother, he had early vowed, “Some day, I’ll show him up!”

Although Bill did not realize it, that little-boy rivalry played a part in his choice of Mary as a wife. She was an exceptionally pretty girl, and when other men gave signs of their interest in her, Bill felt that in one respect he had managed to outshine his brother. He had a far more desirable wife, and for the first time could make other men — and, he fondly imagined, his brother—envy him!

Not too long ago, I was consulted by a couple trying desperately to save their floundering marriage. The husband was particularly disturbed by his wife’s erratic sexual behavior.

“She lives at extremes,” he said. “Either she wants sex all the time, or else she refuses to have relations with me entirely.”

In consultation with his wife, I learned that she felt herself physically attracted to one of her husband’s friends. She had even suggested to her husband that he and his friend arrange a temporary “trade”—giving her to the other man and the friend’s wife to her husband. Flabbergasted, he refused to discuss the idea. But she did date other men without his knowledge, and they were always married men.

“It makes me feel young again,” she said. It also increased her desire for her husband. After such an affair she regained her interest in the marital union. Without these temporary liaisons, she was quite frigid.

Her father had died when she was young, and her mother had remarried. She had always felt a great attraction towards her stepfather, and when she was nine years old he had seduced her, an experience she found exciting. Her promiscuity was an attempt to recreate her image of herself as the young, desirable girl—and the men were always married, as her stepfather had been.

There may be some hidden homosexual desires latent in such situations, too. I am thinking, for example, of the man who insisted that his wife have sexual relations with his “best friend.”

Among the Polynesians this would have been accepted social behavior, but he was not a product of Polynesian culture. Actually, this husband had latent homosexual desires, and though he was not fully aware of it, he was having vicarious sexual relations with his friend every time he sent his wife to sleep with him.

And latent homosexual desires may also account for the willingness with which some women permit their husbands to indulge in similar affairs. Sometimes, a wife will agree to a swap of mates more to gain the vicarious thrill which comes with knowing her husband is having relations with a woman she is attracted to, than for any desire she feels for the other man.

The editor of Sexology recently received a letter from a reader who explained that his wife insisted that he have relations with a young woman who boarded at their home. This despite the fact that they had been married for eight years, and seemed to be well adjusted sexually.

“I noticed one thing,” he wrote. “Ever since my wife started to loan me to this woman, she became more aggressive in our sex relations and more demanding.”

And, he added, “we personally know of two young couples. These young couples swap wives once a week, from which they claim they derive sex stimulation and greater sexual satisfaction in marital relations later with their wives.”

“Where,” this reader wanted to know, “will such a practice of Swapping lead?”

In his own case, such a practice can lead only to a more and more distorted sexual relationship, which might very well result in his wife’s becoming completely frigid.

The sooner he finds competent help for her and persuades his wife to accept it, the better. Unless she can be made to understand the reasons for her behavior and can be helped to overcome it, her sexual life and her marriage will only grow increasingly disturbed.

Dr. Kinsey noted that among the “not inconsiderable group of cases” studied in which the husbands had encouraged their wives to engage in extra-marital activities, there were a number of deviations involved. These included homosexuality, desire to “peep,” and sadistic satisfaction obtained from forcing a wife into such a relationship.

But he emphasized that most often wife swapping represented a deliberate effort to extend the wife’s opportunity to find satisfaction in sexual relations or a desire of the husband to find an excuse for his own extra-marital activity.

Dr. Kinsey also pointed out that his investigators had seen instances where husbands and wives appeared to accept their partners’ extra-marital activity frankly and whole-heartedly at the beginning. Years later, however, the old extra-marital relationship cropped up to become a source of considerable conflict. This often resulted from the development of some insecurity on the part of the other spouse. or changed circumstances in the couple’s life.

The Kinsey investigators drew this conclusion from their data?: that reconciling the individual’s desire for coitus with a variety of sexual partners and the maintenance of a stable marriage, presents a problem which has not beer) satisfactorily resolved in our culture.

“Can marital stability be maintained in the face of extra-marital relations on the part of the husband or wife?” asks Dr. Abraham Stone, one of America’s most noted marriage consultants.

“It has been our experience in marriage counseling,” he Replies, “that extra-marital relations are disruptive of marital harmony. A relation which may begin as a contact on a purely physical level, may soon develop into a strong emo-tional attachment. Not many marriages can long withstand the strain of divided loyalties and attention. Of all the angles in a marriage, the triangle creates the most acute problems.”

indian beuty

Delhiites are most likely to have done it at a younger age

India rediscovers kama 
By Sultan Shahin 

NEW DELHI - Indian civilization is on the move, and it may be coming into its own after a millennium and a half of decline. 

At the height of its civilization, India was the land of the Kama Sutra, Koke Shastra, Ananga Ranga - the sacred literature teaching ways and means of heightening sexual pleasure, not only with one's own spouse, but also with other partners. 

It was the land of Mahabharat, the greatest epic known to mankind, where Lord Krishna, whose divine exhortations are contained in theBhagwad Gita, could be worshipped with his beloved Radha, who was someone else's spouse, perhaps that of his maternal uncle. It was the land of Khajuraho temples depicting copulating couples and multiples on its inner walls that prudes consider pornographic. It was the land of Kalidasa, one of the greatest Sanskrit poets who celebrated sex with an openness unparalleled in world literature. 

With its decline, for some obscure reason ascribed to a natural cycle of the rise and fall of civilizations, India turned prudish and guilt-ridden about free sex. The introduction of Islamic and Judeo-Christian morality did not help. India ceased to be proud of Khajuraho and Kalidas. Krishna and Radha were still worshipped together, but children would not be told about their open illicit love affair. Both kama (sensual pleasure) and artha (wealth creation), the two essential aspects of the Indian way of life (dharma) suffered. India ceased being itself. 

But as artha was revitalized with the introduction of new economic policies of liberalization and globalization and new technologies such as computers and the Internet in the early 1990s, it seems now that kama too has made a comeback. Perhaps the two go together. 

Several sex surveys carried out recently point to a definite resurgence of guilt-free extramarital sex, as much on the initiative of women now as it was on the bidding of men before. Commenting on the findings of the KamaSutra Cross Tab Sex Survey 2003, conducted in association with Indiatimes, published on Thursday, sex expert Prakash Kothari said, "One can easily kiss that crummy era goodbye. A nation of 1 billion is getting sexy and kicking the guilt." Psychiatrist Sanjay Chugh, MD, is jubilant: Finally, "it" is happening in India. 

Permissiveness is at an all-time high. Respondents across India (Bangalore 27 percent; Chennai 28 percent; Delhi 22 percent; Hyderabad 20 percent; Kolkata 32 percent; Mumbai 24 percent) feel that both partners should be free to have extramarital sex with the spouse's consent. Delhiites are most likely to have done it at a younger age than their counterparts in other cities. Hyderabadis and Mumbaikars show the maximum inclination to infidelity, summarized Anubha Sawhney, breaking the news of the survey in Thursday's The Times of India. 

While the survey reveals that breasts are the No 1 sexual-arousal point for Indian males, followed by overall looks and butts, the Indian woman prefers good looks, eyes, and a muscular physique in her man. Nationwide, experimentation is the name of the game. 

Although the missionary position continues to be the preferred one of couples engaging in sex, respondents to the survey reveal that they are open to other options. As for the average age at which Indians have their first experience of sex, figures indicate that virgins are a dying breed. 

There is no bar on age, time or place. Indians want sex again and again. The Hyderabadis have sex 17.1 times a month. This is a national record. Comparing the results of this survey with the figures furnished by the Durex Global Survey, which accords top position to the French for having sex 167 times a year, Sawhney concludes that this could even be a world record. 

This month the second-largest-circulated newsmagazine Outlook carried out a survey in several Indian metros to come up with similar results. Its correspondents interviewed sex specialists and psychologists in Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata, Chennai and Ahmedabad, among other cities, to discover that in the business of sex now, women are indeed on top, literally. Titled "Woman on top: Eves do it too", the Outlook cover story on May 5 said: "It's not just Adam for Madam. The Indian woman storms another male bastion as she seeks sex - and solace - outside her marriage." 

The authors of the story, Madhu Jain and Soutik Biswas, concluded: "Adultery 2003 is really about women taking the lead. It's also about adultery going middle-class, to small-town India, going commonplace, even going boring. Dangerous liaisons used to be for the aristos and the plebs. Those in between, the middle classes, were tethered by moral chastity belts - only their fantasies could roam freely. Or it was all within the family, the extramarital dalliances, that is. The scarlet letter is now fading fast: stigma is getting passe and guilt for an increasing number is no more than a twitch.

"We are probably more adulterous now than ever before, with women catching up with the men on the adultery stakes. Says D Narayana Reddy, a sexologist and marital therapist in Chennai, 'I have been practicing since 1982. In those days, my women clients would say a strict No to anything outside marriage. By 1992, the attitude was What's wrong if I did it? By 2002, they were daring to explore.'" 

The real source of the massive urge for sexual exploration that Indians, particularly women, have developed suddenly is as mysterious as the reasons for the rise and all of civilizations. But one thing has come out clearly in the survey. New technology is an important factor encouraging the phenomenon. Internet and mushrooming cyber cafes have helped, as have mobile phones and SMS (short message service) facilities. Women and men have suddenly heard from old flames, childhood friends, former classmates, whom they may have fancied once, dates have been fixed, and one thing has led to another. In most cases straight, unembarrassed initiatives have come from women, as men twiddled their fingers thinking of creative ways of broaching the subject. 

Wife swapping, relatively unknown in India until recently, has made an appearance. Adventurous couples are advertising in newspapers their desire to meet like-minded people for wife and husband swapping. 

Indian cinema was known for its kid-glove treatment of female sexuality. Indian woman being shown having sex outside marriage would be considered unpatriotic. And if at all the heroine committed that misdemeanor, premarital sex, she would have to try committing suicide, only to be rescued by the hero and his parents agreeing to marriage. 

Now in the age of cable television's soaps, nearly all the characters in family dramas are shown as having pre- or extramarital sexual relations; most marriages are shown to be illegal, in the sense that the couple had been married before and not divorced. This creates more room for the scriptwriters to push in intrigue and blackmail, keeping families, including kids, glued to their television sets throughout the evenings. 

Vijay Nagaswami, a Chennai-based psychiatrist and author ofCourtship & Marriage: A Guide for Indian Couples, was quoted by Outlook as saying that couples expect a healthy sex life and are less inhibited about discussing their sexual experiences now. "Sex is no longer a taboo word and more people, particularly women, are more willing to talk sex with their partners." 

India's sex guru Prakash Kothari, who heads the department of sexual medicine at the Kem Hospital and the GS Medical College in Mumbai, added: "Thirty years ago, I said most Indian men use their women as sleeping pills. Today Indian women feel their sexual desires are basic human rights, and they need to be respected." 

Hyderabad-based andrologist and impotence expert Sudhakara Krishnamurti told Outlook that a decade ago couples would come to him after failing to consummate their marriages for 10-15 years. Today wives often drag their husbands into the clinic within the first week of their marriage. "With women being more demanding in the bedroom, it puts a lot of pressure on normal guys," he said. 

Even visitors from the liberated West are flummoxed. They have seen nothing like this before. Carin Fisher, a German-American lawyer who moved to New Delhi about a year ago, has been quoted as saying: "The acceptance of adultery here was, and sometimes still is, quite shocking to me. So many married men here tell me that even Krishna cheated and that I am stuck in some sort of Judeo-Christian cultural context. The god had a good time and he was not condemned for it, they say. And some women I have met, mostly the educated middle-class ones - if you can believe it - tell me, 'Look at our heritage. It is natural. Look at Krishna.'" 

Well-known socialite Bina Ramani talks of her conversion to the fast-growing creed of adultery: "I was shocked when I first came back to India some years ago. Everybody seemed to be having extramarital affairs. You don't do that in the West. You have serial monogamy. But I have changed my mind. If there is a Krishna in men, there is a Radha in women. Why can't I be both: a wife and Radha? We are born with it. Men are doing their Krishna thing, aren't they?" 

Middle-class India is having a whale of a time, obviously. But it must also beware. Not everybody is happy. Some spouses are hurt. Detective agencies, particularly the new breed of cyber detectives, are being flooded with requests for snooping on the activities and e-mail accounts of married men and women. They are busy documenting illicit affairs, hacking computers of married people engaged in such affairs. Some agencies report having to deal with 10-15 new cases every day. All for the convenience of divorce lawyers who may need them. 

Not surprisingly, divorce is rampant. About 5,000 divorces a year are being reported from Haryana, with a population of 17 million. In some cities, Kolkata for instance, the number of divorce cases has doubled. A total of 13,037 divorce cases were filed in the city between January and August last year, nearly double the number filed in all of 1999. 

Divorce lawyers' earnings have doubled. But many are not happy with the provisions of Section 497 of the Indian Penal Code, which says: "Whoever has sexual intercourse with a person who is and whom he knows or has reason to believe to be the wife of another man ... such sexual intercourse not amounting to rape, is guilty of the offense of adultery, and shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to five years, or with [a] fine, or both." 

Commented Soma Wadhwa: "The Indian law on adultery, formulated circa 1860, sounds antediluvian in the 21st century. It's mostly about men settling scores with those who dared sleep with their wives. Women can't litigate against their errant husbands or their husbands' lovers, under the law. And, in turn, women can't be sued for being adulterous." 

"Section 497 is based on Old Testament values," said Mumbai-based feminist lawyer Flavia Agnes. "It doesn't protect the rights of women, only protects the proprietorial rights of men over their wives' bodies." Considering that men and women can both cite their spouses' infidelity as reason for seeking divorce, there is no legal rationale, feel many such as Agnes, for a criminal law on adultery that "spares" wives for being adulterous and then "disallows" them from suing their husbands/husbands' paramour for adultery. 

Chennai-based advocate Geeta Ramaseshan had, in fact, challenged these gender inequalities in the procedure to file complaints of adultery. Counsel for the Revathy vs Union of India case in 1988, Ramaseshan had argued that Revathy be given the right to lodge a complaint of adultery against her husband. The apex court dismissed the case: "Spouses ought not to be filing complaints against each other ..." This convinced Ramaseshan that "the law on adultery should be scrapped ... It is outdated, mostly misused to harass women, not based on substantive equality, and treats women like male possessions," said she. 

Even in ancient India, though, at the height of its glory, there were laws with similar contradictions. In fact the British jurists who made our present laws based Hindu law on Manu-smriti, also known as Manav-dharm-shastra (Laws of Manu), which ranks in its scriptural sanctity with Ramayana and Mahabharata. 

The laws of Manu provide a fascinating glimpse of the life and times of ancient India and how people (other than Brahmins) tried to beat the law even then to engage in adultery: "[Verse 352] If men persist in seeking intimate contact with other men's wives, the king should brand them with punishments that inspire terror and banish them. [353] For that gives rise among people to the confusion of the castes, by means of which irreligion, that cuts away the roots, works for the destruction of everything. 

"[3556] If a man speaks to another man's wife at a bathing place, in a wilderness or a forest, or at the confluence or rivers, he incurs [the guilt of] sexual misconduct. [357] Acting with special courtesy to her, playing around with her, touching her ornaments or clothes, sitting on a couch with her, are all traditionally regarded as sexual misconduct. [358] If a man touches a woman in a non-place [a place other than the hand], or allows himself to be touched by her, with mutual consent, it is all traditionally regarded as sexual misconduct. 

"[359] A man who is not a Brahmin deserves to be punished by the loss of his life's breath for sexual misconduct, for the wives of all four castes should always be protected to the utmost. [360] Beggars, panegyrists, men who have been consecrated for a Vedic sacrifice, and workmen may carry on a conversation with other men's wives if they are not prohibited [from doing so by the scriptures]. [361] But a man who has been prohibited should not carry on a conversation with other men's wives; if a man who has been prohibited converses [with them], he should pay a fine of one gold piece. 

"[362] This rule does not apply to the wives of strolling actors or of men who live off their own [wives]; for these men have their women embrace [other men], concealing themselves while they have them do the act. [363] But just a very small fine should be paid by a man who carries on a conversation secretly with these women, or with menial servant girls who are used by only one man, or with wandering women ascetics." 

Let us end this piece reminding ourselves of how sexy ancient Indians were at the height of their glorious civilization. Adultery was even then in the air. Women would initiate many an affair, even then. But there were faithful, long-suffering wives, ready to forgive their adulterous husbands, if for nothing but to beat the chill of the cold winter. Alas, in the world of hot-air blowers, ready to beat the cold, such poetry may not be composed anymore. 

The great Sanskrit poet Kalidasa, India's answer to William Shakespeare, reports on sex in a typical Indian winter and blesses the couples trying to beat the chill: 

Women whose husbands continue unfaithful
though bitterly chided again and again,
note them flustered, visibly shaken by guilt:
yet, yearning to be loved (in the chill of winter),
they overlook these wrongs.

Enjoyed long through the long night in love-play
Unceasing by their lusty young husbands
in an excess of passion, driving,
unrelenting, women just stepped into youth
move at the close of night slowly
reeling wrung-out with aching thighs.

With breasts held tight by pretty bodices,
Thighs alluringly veiled by richly dyed silks,
and flowers nestling in their hair, women serve
as adornments for this wintry season.

Lovers enjoying the warmth of budding youth,
pressed hard against breasts glowing golden,
saffron-rubbed, of lively women gleaning sensuous,
sleep, having put to flight the cold.

Young women in gay abandon drink at night
with their fond husbands, the choices wine,
most delicious, exhilarating,
heightening passion to its pitch:
the lilies floating in the wine deliciously
tremble under their fragrant breath.

At dawn, when the rush of passion is spent,
one young woman whose tips of breasts are tight
from her husband's embrace, carefully views;
her body fully enjoyed by him
and laughing gaily, she goes from the bed-chamber
to the living-apartments of the house.

Another loving wife leaves her bed at dawn:
elegant and graceful, slender-waisted,
With deep navel and ample hips;
the splendid mane of hair with curling ends
flowing loose, the wreath of flowers slips down.

With faces radiant as golden lotuses
and long, liquid eyes; with lustrous lips
and hair playing enamored round their shoulders,
women shine in their homes these frosty mornings,
bearing the semblance of the goddess of beauty.

Young women burdened by their ample loins,
and drooping a little at the waist,
wearied bearing their own garments worn at night
for love's sweet rites,
they put on others suited to the day.

Staring at the curves of their breasts covered by nail marks,
touching gingerly the tender sprout of the lower lip bruised by love-bites,
young women rejoice to see these coveted signs of love's fulfillment,
and decorate their faces as the sun rises.

The wintry season that abounds with sweet rice,
and sugar-cane,
and mounds of dark palm-sugar dainties:
when Love waxes proud
and love's sport is fever-pitch;
when the anguish is intense of parted lovers:
May this season be to you ever auspicious! 

(Translated from the original Sanskrit by Chandra Rajan) 

(Copyright 2003 Asia Times Online Co, Ltd. All rights reserved. Please contact content@atimes.com for information on our sales and syndication policies.)

Should my husband and I swap with my sister and her husband?

A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

hi i am 34 years old married woman and my husband is 36 years old working in multinational. we both like sex too much and we do sex daily morning and night 2-3 times. now we are thinking to have sex with other married couple and both are agree. he has already search one couple and that couple is also ready. but i am very surprised that actally the other couple is my younger sister and her husband. so i refused but my husband is trying to convince and my sister is also having no objection. we both sisters are very smart and physically fit women and as i think that this is the preplanned of our husband to have sex with us. so i would like to get suggestion from you that i shoul be agree for sex withmy sister's husband and vice versa.

ANSWERS

1. A female reader, holivia  +, writes (19 March 2010):
   That is totally not right! Yu should not be having sex with your younger sister and her husband! You have a family, jobs etc you should not be being led astray SEX! i mean surely there is more important things than sex! It's not right, i totally object to the idea. Of coyrse you may hav sex whenever you want.. but not with your younger sister and her husband. It's wrong. S
2. A male reader, boydjohn026  +, writes (17 August 2010):
   My wife and I have been swapping with her sister and husband for five years now. We all enjoy it. I see nothing wrong with it as long as you trust your partner. sorry if this has nt been any help.
3. A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009):
   HORRIBLE idea... my sister-in-law (younger) is really cute, funny and sexy, however, she's about the LAST person I would invite into our bed... that's TOO CLOSE for any comfort. If you're going to play, find someone you can play with and never see again if something happens. Someone whe doesn't know you, and you will not run into... if it works for a year, great! If not- no harm...
4. A male reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (27 July 2009):
   Don't do this... not with family, or even freinds that you know outside of swinging. Swapping can be great fun, under the right senario, but this is the #1 DO NOT DO... don't swing with family, co-workers, freinds... make new freinds to swing with - and keep those freindships focused on sex.

What u think?

Wife Swapping

Wife Swapping, a term that was alien to the Indian community till sometime back, is being practiced openly and brazenly today. The ‘Land of Kamasutra’ is accepting the new trend with open arms. Wife Swapping is basically the exchanging of wives between two couples, for engaging in the ‘forbidden’ sensual pleasures. Till only a decade back, Indians had not even heard of the concept of wife swapping and those few who knew about it, considered it to be unfathomable. But, within the past few years, the concept has gone from being a taboo to being openly experienced.

 

Wife Swapping Parties

The most common platform for wife swapping comprises of the wife swapping parties. In such parties, the usual rules are that only those couples come who are interested in the swapping concept. After the party gets over, all the husbands put the keys of their car in a bowl. Thereafter, each and every man present in the party comes and picks up a car key from the bowl. The person to whom the car keys belong gives over his car as well as his wife to the man who is in possession of his car keys.

 

Prevalent amongst All Classes

Earlier, wife swapping was a concept which was prevalent only in the higher echelons of the society. The middle class and upper middle classes were not party to the whole idea. However, with time, wife swapping is being experienced by members of almost all the classes, be it high class, upper middle class or middle class. The couples are freely and opening indulging in it and suffering from no qualms or guilt over the same.

 

Not only the Metros

The thinking that wife swapping is limited to only the metro cities of India, like Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune, etc has long become history. It is not only the metro dwellers who are interested in the concept; the residents of small cities are equally willing and enthusiastic about it. Infact, in the small cities, wife swap has become more of a craze and people want to indulge in it initially, out of curiosity and later, for sheer fun.

 

Equally Enthusiastic Females

With the financial freedom and independence, the 21^st century women have become more aware of their needs and are ready to explore all the aspects of a relationship

. They no longer play the role of a passive partner and are equally participating in the game of wife swapping and infact, fully enjoying it. The once-thought notion that females are forced to become a party to the whole idea is relevant in the case of a very few females, in today’s world.

 

Dangers

Just like most of the things in this world, wife swapping also has negative aspects. There are chances of the swapped partners getting emotionally attached with each other, posing great threat to their married life. In such a case, instead of adding ‘spice’ to the married life, wife swap will result in divorce. Then, there are chances of contracting AIDS and other STDs, though most of the couples who indulge in swapping request for an HIV- report.

 

All said and done, the concept of wife swapping is now becoming the most accepted alternative to indulging in extra-marital relations. Since both husband and wife indulge in such a relationship, neither of them experiences any guilt. At the same time, they get the liberty to make their life exciting and relieve it of the so-called ‘boredom’ of a married life. However, those who are against it say that it spoils the ‘sanctity’ associated with marriage and degrades the partners.

delhi couple 28/27 on orkut

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lalit mittal from dehradun on orkut

about me:

I AM LALIT .we r JUST 36 & 31 SMART ,SEXY . SO, we r GIVING YOU A COMPLETE SEX,ENJOY,& FUN. ALSO we r AVAILABLE FOR GROUP SEX. & we,ARE VERY CONFIDENTIAL,secrate & we r TOTALLY SATISFIED TO YOU. JUST TRY us. HI-PROFILE & RICH BUISNESS WOMEN LADIES,coupls u BELIEVE TO COMPLETE SATISFIED TO u SO IF YOU WANT couples frndship n swp. pls send a scrap...ME.LADIES,GIRLS,& couples cn contact me..for group sex n swaping also.....